bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
