i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
