I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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