he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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