I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
