best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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