Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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