oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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