Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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