My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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