If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
