everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
