I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
