Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
