I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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