And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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