Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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