I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
