shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
