I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
