alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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