I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
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