I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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