he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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