I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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