my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
