You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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