Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
