Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
