Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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