nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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