I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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