He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
