Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
