I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
