Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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