I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
