Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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