I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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