Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My vagina just clenched in fear
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
