he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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