I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
