I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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