My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
