i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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