i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Enjoy the penises
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
