How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
