Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
