I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
