I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
