Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
