if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
