They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
