have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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