If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
