A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
