The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize