some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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