I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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