filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
