next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
