you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize