even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
