The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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