but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
