3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
